Shixification

I never thought that I’d be packing my bags for any other reason than to get away with him for a weekend or because we’ve found a new home together. Here I am though, packing my bags because I’ve made the treacherous mistake of telling a half truth.

I confess to you all now that I have so many struggles when it comes to voicing the mistakes I’ve made in the past and that I, too often, tell only the partial truth in hopes that I won’t have to say the rest until I’m ready. It doesn’t matter if I haven’t done anything wrong because not telling even the little details can cause harm to the one you love. It doesn’t matter if you were going to tell the truth eventually, if they find out that they didn’t  hear the entire story before you tell them, it is your own fault.

I’m stuck between so many feelings, there is a strong voice in me saying that our journey together doesn’t end here but what can I do when anything I say is no longer seen as the truth? I’m deciding between moving out but sticking around and devoting myself to the church more and going home and falling back into what I left. I’m on a deadline and I don’t know where to turn.

I feel like I’ve confessed too many times, like I no longer deserve to be heard or forgiven. I should be more open than this by now, I should be at peace with my past more than this by now. I should be so many things but I’m not and it’s killing me and the man that I love so dearly. I need prayers, I need a lot of them and I need Christians of good faith tossing His Word at me right now.

Temptation

 Where do I even begin with this? There are times where I know in my heart that I’m equipped to deal with what I’m facing, where I know the ways out and around it, yet I still manage to let myself walk directly into it, constantly convincing myself that it will be the last time when I know that it’s far from it.

 I’m a Christian, Satan focuses more of his attention on us than on any other people because the ones that are being saved are the ones that are seen as a threat to the Kingdom of Darkness. With that said, I know full well that temptation is going to be a part of my life for a very long time, maybe even for my entire life here on Earth, so you’d think that I’d be smart enough to just walk away. Now, I’m not trying to get down on myself about it because honestly I see it as a compliment, I’m now seen as a child of God in the enemies eyes.

 What I’m trying to get at is, I’ve felt very spiritually unsatisfied lately, with my giving into temptation, there are times where I’m in the midst of it and I think of God, being that my faith is still so very new, I often act foolish and I try to push him out of my mind out of shame for what I’m doing instead of recognizing it as him trying to reach out to me. I want so badly for that spiritual high that I get when I’m able to make the right choices, I long for those times where I feel my heart so opened up to him.

 Okay so the bible teaches us not to resist temptation but to run from temptation..So I wanted to ask all of you, the believers and the non-believers, what do you do when you’re faced with something that you desire but you know, you just know, you shouldn’t be doing?

Different Paths, Different Strokes.

I’ve been thinking a lot about which direction my life should be heading toward and also whether or not God is trying to get me to lean toward a certain one. Being someone who is very new to Christianity, someone who has yet to read through the entire (or even most of) the bible, It has been difficult to decipher the messages and signs that I’ve been receiving.

There are times where I feel as though I should just go with whatever is thrown my way, I sometimes get confused because I don’t know if I’m supposed to be giving myself over to God and not worrying about what’s ahead of me or If I’m supposed to set out to make my life what I want it to be. I find myself wondering how much faith God has in me, Did he set me up with a selection of different paths that will still eventually lead me to where I am supposed to be or is there one predetermined one and the others are just traps that the enemy has set up for me to try and lead me away from the Lord?

I believe that it was in “The Purpose-Driven Life” that I read that God isn’t too concerned about what I do, It’s the way that I think while I’m doing or whether or not I’m doing it with him in mind. Now, They said it in a way that suggested that you shouldn’t just go and sin as long you’re thinking about God and keeping him right there with you, I mean obviously you can’t do that, sinning takes you away from him.

I’m getting a little off topic here though, The point is that this had me thinking, has God left me with more choices than I had originally thought? This thought enters my mind frequently now, especially in my romantic life. When I was a bit younger, I used to think that there was that one person out there for you, That other half that God has put on the Earth for you to find. As I got a bit older, that outlook started to seem kind of silly to me, especially seeing as the population on this planet is ever changing, It would be almost impossible to pair everyone off like that. I believe that you could find more than one person to love romantically in a life time, then it comes down to decisions, it comes down to who you feel you could spend your life with or perhaps even who wants to spend their life with you.

This may sound a bit strange to people who know me, I’ve always been the hopeless romantic type but don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I don’t believe in true love and fate, What I’m saying is that it’s possible that finding something that feels like true love could happen more than once. I’ve observed this many times in my life and I’ve also seen situations where people didn’t end up with the person that they felt was “The One” and they still lived very happy fulfilling lives with someone they loved just as much, if not more than that person.

Now, you’re probably asking, How could you end up with someone that you love more than anyone you’ve ever met and still look back and say that someone else was “The One”? Well, Taking a look at the concept of soul mates, It would be easy to say that love is just love, it’s about emotion. You could love someone with all of your heart, You might even say to yourself, “This is right, this is who I’m supposed to be with.” but there may be that one person from your past that caused a profound movement in your soul but it was just impossible to make things work with them.

So this is why I’m stuck wondering, praying, asking God the question that is perpetually nagging me, “Is this a matter of me trusting that you’ve equipped me well enough to make my own choices during my time here on Earth or is it a matter of me trusting that you’re guiding me every step of the way?” Either way, I’m prepared to trust, I’m just uncertain of what it is that I’m supposed to be trusting.

I’m so sick of reading all the crazy shit people are saying about God in the most ridiculous places. I was watching a video of the volcanic eruption in Iceland that occurred earlier this year and there were a bunch of people claiming that it was God’s way of being angry with Iceland and preaching all this stuff about hate. God and hate should never be in the same sentence unless it’s something along the lines of God does not hate. These people are obviously getting the wrong message from the bible, either that or they’re part of some cult like the Westboro Baptist Church, These are the kind of people that are making Christianity look bad.

I’m sorry for my little rant but seriously, people can be pretty senseless.